Monday, June 16, 2008
:: Farewell & Goodnight ::

Today the dream is over; the last day in which I will be tormented. The disappointing glares burn holes in my heart. I can’t stand to be the one that brings everyone down. I want to leave it all behind, but the pain seems inseparable. The silence grows louder every day, the emptiness grows heavier and life seems more dead with every passing moment. I want to hold on to what hope I have left but you make it seem intangible. I wish to curse you, but I can’t. Any pain I feel, I will blame you for it. In my twisted mind I will pray for your suffering, yes, I will pray for it. Leaving it all behind; my past…seems to haunt me with things that remind me of it. The insanity is slowly becoming music to my ears…the silence, the emptiness…the solitude. I love that thrill of being on the edge of breaking down. All of the voices drown me out while my lungs slowly fill with hate. Can someone tell me what has become of me? Bring back the abuse…it gives me a reason to be sad. Sad is normal, happy is something that has become foreign to me. I like dreaming, I am everything I want to be as well as being everything they want me to be. That dreaded clock, brings me back to what I manifested to be a reality. The tears fall again and again. I’ve lost the will to try and fix what I made life to be. I would do anything to live the life of all the people I see around me, just one day…to be…normal; yes, I want to be normal. That is what that is called, yet I strive to be different. Its almost over, I can feel the time ticking away, taking everything with it, leaving me behind. I will always be that kid that can’t seem to grow up. This is my farewell to the life I once knew and become the normal I can’t seem to ever be. The sun sets on this day and will take my façade with it.

posted by Aziiancaligirl at 7:02 PM - 0 comments
Sunday, May 18, 2008
:: Victim of the High Society ::

I want to report a crime that was committed against all the citizens in this society. We have all fallen under the demeaning practices of the said society. Children aren’t children anymore; their innocence was stolen a long time ago and the ramifications of it are very apparent. Everyday, another person is kidnapped by the narcissism that covers the cities. The people who were unable to conform to the standards set by this tyrant are shunned and looked down upon. They don’t have the opportunity to live what they want, but rather become a product of what Society mandates as a normal life. The contaminated wisdom that is infecting the minds of many leaves the clean ones looking like devils. That injection is being passed around without anyone knowing it. Everybody is blinding themselves from reality; living in their world, but they don’t understand that the world is not about them. They don’t comprehend the billions of people outside their insignificant world. Can you educate them? They walk around being ignorant but the opportunity cost of that is that they are making themselves to be bigger than what they are. They don’t understand the meaning of being alone in this society.

I believe I have been victimized by the ignorant fools running around in this society. I say ignorance is not an excuse for breaking a person; I have yet to put the pieces back together. I have been living with the weight of hate on my shoulders; can you tell me why they hated me so? I hated being that kid; I hated being that kid that ate alone a lunch because they had no friends. I despised the fact that I was the one to get screwed over and made fun of one too many times but believed there was good in all people so I came crawling back ignoring the fact that I knew it would happen again because I was so damn desperate for friends, for any kind of attention. I hated the fact that I had to fight for any kind of attention at home and still failed to be good enough. I despise the fact that I couldn’t cry because that was failure in their eyes. I hated the fact that I was not allowed to be me anywhere I went, except when I was alone. I hated being me and not many people can even come close to comprehending that feeling. I don’t believe they want to. I hate the fact that I still can’t get over it and they still have a hold on me.

I’ve gone back to my rubber band which has become so familiar, the pain so addicting, the memories so ingrained, and the tears so normal. I enjoy painting a mask on my face everyday, at first it was temporary, but as I lived that stupid second personality, it grew more addicting and unstoppable. It embodied me, leaving my shattered self to live in the shadows. I have those 2 distinct personalities, and they are slowly killing me. I feel as if I am the only crazy one amongst a crowd that can see right through me. I often wonder what I have become; can you tell me? I often wonder if I am still alive and if I am why I am being tortured. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve always walked alone and I can’t help but feel it will stay that way. Since I was young, everything and everyone I came to trust eventually betrayed me. They have committed an act of treason – a crime. I have been broken by criminals, I have been robbed, and I have been murdered. I am a victim of the High Society.

posted by Aziiancaligirl at 5:50 PM - 0 comments
Friday, April 4, 2008
::Letter From A Broken Mind::

I can’t stand the sanity and I am slowly fading away. I hear all the voices but none that reach out to me. I will always live a lie to keep myself from the reality. Let me cry tears of blood to prove to the world that there is no place where happiness exists. The world- my world- is in chaos; who entitled anyone the right to be happy…why do they have the ability to do so? Let me kill what is left of my shadow to prove that light doesn’t exist. Let me reap what souls of innocence have that I will forever envy. Wherever you go, whoever you meet, you can deny it, but I know. The insanity I wear in my mind will bleed today – today is the day where my world will die and be reborn. The rain is not real, I am dreaming-until I wake let me die; let me kill everything others have found happiness in. No, I am not like you, I am not like them; I will never be the same. I can never be the same. I will let the rain be my music, washing away the sorrows of my past. I can never forgive you for taking something I never wanted you to have. You took one look at me and knew you had taken a piece of my heart away; you took everything. I want to be the death of me. Can you color my thoughts blank? Let me plead insanity in the courts of love, let me know that there is no hope, let me hear your voice one more time before I have to die, let me live what I thought to be feelings one last time, let me see what I could never possess before I die, let me touch warmth for the first and last time-what I sought to be the only thing to keep me alive? I am still alive more that of still living. I am weak, I let it take over, give me more novocain, I am waking up, I don’t want to come back to reality. My contaminated wisdom is slowly corroding what I thought was real. Yeah…more novocaine. I want to be numb so I don’t have to feel the bruises on my heart when you touch me. Let me kill my persona to let everyone know that this is now me. I sit alone in my room to ponder what could have been. I want to runaway from this place you call truth and reality – I will never accept it. I will always be a victim of your brutality.

I laugh at the state in which I am, every day I paint a new personality on my face. I got so used to looking at it, living it, that I don’t know who I am anymore. At night, I take it off to see what I have become, nothing but a shell of what I used to be. There is nothing left but emptiness in my eyes. I cant recognize this person…this feeling – how its been so long since I had a feeling. I wont cry, I cant cry; crying is failure in the eyes of which I fear. I scoff at the people who mock me. They just don’t know…they are ignorant at the condition I’m in. I beg…let me die today so I don’t have to feel the pain again, I want to be numb from the feeling of emptiness. I can’t stand to look at you face and see the disappointment – it is too much for me to have to live through again. Let me stay in my dream like trance – I wont believe what reality has put before me. I want to stay asleep so I can be alone and take off the daunting personality that I paint on myself that bombards me everyday until the guilt…the guilt which is so intense that pain finally feels good. I don’t have happiness nor a childhood…I grew up too fast - so I live as a child with no innocence, yearning for a chance to live…I am alone. I am nobody…the sound of people blur in the background as the silence in my mind becomes so violently loud, the sanity which has left long before I had the chance to believe there is something left, is music to me now. I enjoy the pain - the attention that pain brings to me…I am addicted to sympathy; I am addicted to having what others have for the lack of what I don’t have or what I refuse to see. I will take back what is mine…for it was not to be taken in the first place. I will live the insanity, love the insanity, I will let insanity paint me again as I so foolishly have done before, I will let insanity be my teacher. I will bring the hurt that I have run away from and kill it before it takes what light I have left. I will die tonight, I will kill myself tonight because this is not a reality – this is all a dream. This will be the death of me and I can no longer play this game anymore…oh yes, it is a game, it is all a game in which I have lost and will not regain my pride. I will bury it so I can be sane. I wont ever come back and I will never be remembered. I don’t want to be remembered – I am already forgotten…I will lead the fight against myself. I will die, when reality beats me down, I will drown in my tears; I will die, when I lose to reality, I will drown in m own blood and never get up. I want to see the blood fall down, the red liquid which is so sweet…I can hear their voices, they haunt me…they are killing me. I will always be damned by the fate in which I have become so engrossed in. I will drown in the face of my pride and dignity and bow my head down for the last time. I am not who you think I am, I will never be who you want me to be, I can’t be who I used to be. I will and can’t kill my insanity. I live for my love which doesn’t exist…as mean as it is to hurt you, I will suffer until I die…let me suffer for an eternity…I laugh at my paranoia and I cant hear anything anymore…I have lost everything…I can’t breathe anymore – I feel…abstract…and misunderstood and insecure. I can’t let people get too close – I am afraid of letting people in – I have nothing but pain that comes from it…I will lose it all today...

posted by Aziiancaligirl at 7:24 PM - 0 comments
Saturday, February 9, 2008
:: Bittersweet Wishes ::
I got my wish of the tearing of you two, but why does it still seem like you're a thousand miles away? It still seems like I don't exist in your world. Somehow i can't tell you that i like you, i want to tell you, it's as if my heart's going to explode...my pitiful love, my frustrating tears, i think, are going to buried as a secret...if i run into you, i swallow the worlds 'i love you' ..when will i be able to say those words to you? I live my busy life, but still think about you...when i have nothing to do i think about you... I look at myself in a certain way and feel as if i'm worthy...if there is one thing i lack it's that my heart's more tender than most...i can't live like this and i really feel as if i am going to die...before it overflows, i have to meet you...i still can't wake my heart that is drunk over you...
posted by Aziiancaligirl at 7:10 PM - 0 comments
Sunday, October 21, 2007
::life of a mannequin::

As I stand still, I see the two of you walking together; a range of emotions and ideas fill my mind: death, sorrow, regret, pain, but happiness is undoubtedly absent. As I keep my countenance straight, I wish I had the ability to cry. I chose the route to live life without regrets, but when you’re around, it seems I regret being alive, regret the evils of mind for trying to destroy the one thing that brought you happiness. As time passed, my transformation gradually completed until I became what I am today; a shadow of my former self. I have become skilled in the art of deception; I can make anyone think that my life is perfect with a flash of my fake smile. That act is all over when I am alone. I can’t cry anymore, it is an impossibility until my emotions take over me. Why; why do you have to gradually turn me into stone? I am slowly losing my heart to the realities of which I face. I think I might have already died, what everyone, including you, sees is a shell. I have to hide the true me; I would be completely gone if it weren’t for you. You make me yearn to regret, want to smile again, not want to die. I will try to be strong for your sake, but I don’t know how much longer until I completely erase anything and everything until I’m gone. I will never be satisfied with the fact that I am not perfect enough for you. If I become just like her will that make you come to me? I wish I could take any pain that you go through and put it on me; you can blame me for anything that goes wrong. I wish…I could go around and truly be happy for once in my life. Just the thought of you and me, together, can get me through a day…but what happens when that isn’t enough? Am I not worth caring for? Or loving? Is it that my many flaws make people run? If I died tomorrow, at least I could die happy knowing that I had loved. I wish it that I didn’t have to…be like me…I, forever, will be damned to a life of watching life and the people that live it...

posted by Aziiancaligirl at 3:45 PM - 0 comments
Friday, October 19, 2007
::Prelude to Farewell::

I had fallen in love with something untouchable, incomprehensible, and most importantly something that didn’t belong to me. Everyday I grew jealous of them- hoping I could just die, but I thought ‘Would that even make a difference’. My heart grew colder with each passing thought…of the blood I sought to see. What once was a smile was replaced with a scowl. I want to go back to a day where everything seemed to be alright-where everything wasn’t so black and white. Why do these recurring thoughts of her death keep repeating in my mind? Why is it that every time you are around I feel as if I turn to stone and wish I weren’t there-wishing I was anywhere but in front of you? Why is it when I see you and her together I feel as if my heart is ripping-the pain almost unbearable? Why do I have to be the one to hold back the tears with every passing thought of you? You keep breaking me without the slightest intention of doing so. I can’t blame you for it was a fault on my own. If I shut everyone’s ears, would you listen to me then? What would it take for you to look at me with those same eyes? My love is buried underneath the smiles of the rest of the world. ‘Do you even know my name?’ I ask myself. You aren’t even listening; even if I died you would not know-even in the next life, you will live not even knowing me. Can’t come close, can’t touch, you’re the one I can’t hold. I’m going to go meet you tonight in my dreams again. Why can’t you see me, if I erased the world would you see me then? Even if I can’t have you, even if it is only in my mind, even if I can’t touch you, even if it is a meaningless dream, even if I can’t talk to you, even if I have to hide and watch from far away, you won’t know, but I’ll love you…even if you don’t know who I am…I have fallen in a helpless love and I can’t get myself out…

posted by Aziiancaligirl at 4:49 PM - 0 comments
About Me
Name: Aziiancaligirl
Home: My room, California, United States
About Me: Heys, 17, from oside california...umm...not much, hit me up on my aim to talk if you have questions or want to know more about me ^_^
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