Friday, April 4, 2008
::Letter From A Broken Mind::

I can’t stand the sanity and I am slowly fading away. I hear all the voices but none that reach out to me. I will always live a lie to keep myself from the reality. Let me cry tears of blood to prove to the world that there is no place where happiness exists. The world- my world- is in chaos; who entitled anyone the right to be happy…why do they have the ability to do so? Let me kill what is left of my shadow to prove that light doesn’t exist. Let me reap what souls of innocence have that I will forever envy. Wherever you go, whoever you meet, you can deny it, but I know. The insanity I wear in my mind will bleed today – today is the day where my world will die and be reborn. The rain is not real, I am dreaming-until I wake let me die; let me kill everything others have found happiness in. No, I am not like you, I am not like them; I will never be the same. I can never be the same. I will let the rain be my music, washing away the sorrows of my past. I can never forgive you for taking something I never wanted you to have. You took one look at me and knew you had taken a piece of my heart away; you took everything. I want to be the death of me. Can you color my thoughts blank? Let me plead insanity in the courts of love, let me know that there is no hope, let me hear your voice one more time before I have to die, let me live what I thought to be feelings one last time, let me see what I could never possess before I die, let me touch warmth for the first and last time-what I sought to be the only thing to keep me alive? I am still alive more that of still living. I am weak, I let it take over, give me more novocain, I am waking up, I don’t want to come back to reality. My contaminated wisdom is slowly corroding what I thought was real. Yeah…more novocaine. I want to be numb so I don’t have to feel the bruises on my heart when you touch me. Let me kill my persona to let everyone know that this is now me. I sit alone in my room to ponder what could have been. I want to runaway from this place you call truth and reality – I will never accept it. I will always be a victim of your brutality.

I laugh at the state in which I am, every day I paint a new personality on my face. I got so used to looking at it, living it, that I don’t know who I am anymore. At night, I take it off to see what I have become, nothing but a shell of what I used to be. There is nothing left but emptiness in my eyes. I cant recognize this person…this feeling – how its been so long since I had a feeling. I wont cry, I cant cry; crying is failure in the eyes of which I fear. I scoff at the people who mock me. They just don’t know…they are ignorant at the condition I’m in. I beg…let me die today so I don’t have to feel the pain again, I want to be numb from the feeling of emptiness. I can’t stand to look at you face and see the disappointment – it is too much for me to have to live through again. Let me stay in my dream like trance – I wont believe what reality has put before me. I want to stay asleep so I can be alone and take off the daunting personality that I paint on myself that bombards me everyday until the guilt…the guilt which is so intense that pain finally feels good. I don’t have happiness nor a childhood…I grew up too fast - so I live as a child with no innocence, yearning for a chance to live…I am alone. I am nobody…the sound of people blur in the background as the silence in my mind becomes so violently loud, the sanity which has left long before I had the chance to believe there is something left, is music to me now. I enjoy the pain - the attention that pain brings to me…I am addicted to sympathy; I am addicted to having what others have for the lack of what I don’t have or what I refuse to see. I will take back what is mine…for it was not to be taken in the first place. I will live the insanity, love the insanity, I will let insanity paint me again as I so foolishly have done before, I will let insanity be my teacher. I will bring the hurt that I have run away from and kill it before it takes what light I have left. I will die tonight, I will kill myself tonight because this is not a reality – this is all a dream. This will be the death of me and I can no longer play this game anymore…oh yes, it is a game, it is all a game in which I have lost and will not regain my pride. I will bury it so I can be sane. I wont ever come back and I will never be remembered. I don’t want to be remembered – I am already forgotten…I will lead the fight against myself. I will die, when reality beats me down, I will drown in my tears; I will die, when I lose to reality, I will drown in m own blood and never get up. I want to see the blood fall down, the red liquid which is so sweet…I can hear their voices, they haunt me…they are killing me. I will always be damned by the fate in which I have become so engrossed in. I will drown in the face of my pride and dignity and bow my head down for the last time. I am not who you think I am, I will never be who you want me to be, I can’t be who I used to be. I will and can’t kill my insanity. I live for my love which doesn’t exist…as mean as it is to hurt you, I will suffer until I die…let me suffer for an eternity…I laugh at my paranoia and I cant hear anything anymore…I have lost everything…I can’t breathe anymore – I feel…abstract…and misunderstood and insecure. I can’t let people get too close – I am afraid of letting people in – I have nothing but pain that comes from it…I will lose it all today...

posted by Aziiancaligirl at 7:24 PM - 0 comments
About Me
Name: Aziiancaligirl
Home: My room, California, United States
About Me: Heys, 17, from oside california...umm...not much, hit me up on my aim to talk if you have questions or want to know more about me ^_^
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